I think I have been in denial (and still mostly am) about this whole situation and the fact that we actually fled our house and left all our stuff behind because bad guys were shooting rockets at us. I have been laughing and calling ourselves refugees, b ut that was when I planned on going back home yesterday. Until yesterday afternoon, I still planned on going home last night. Last night, as we neared Jerusalem, it suddenly hit me that we really are refugees and we are now living on the goodwill of other people. Thank God for friends and good people who just want to open their homes and their hearts to us.
I started getting really depressed and a feeling swelled up inside me that we are in a lot of trouble. I thought that when I got to the wall I would be one of those people who yell, "WHY???!!!" or "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?????!!!?" I thought about it for a second and grabbed onto a fleeting thought that everything that God does is for the best, whether we understand it or not. Instead of asking questions of God and leaving the wall very unsatisfied, I focused on the truth of God and read the shemona esrei, the 19 blessings that we say every day praising God and asking him to help us with our daily lives. I focused on the absoulte power and holiness of God in the first section and then during the section where you request from God I asked him (in the preordained order) to:
- give me the knowledge and intuition to deal with the family in this siutuation.
- Return us to the Torah study, which is even less then usual while we are in exile
- Forgive our sins which have definitely brought about this tragedy
- That he should look at our suffering and redeem us, both on a persoanl level to bring us home and on a national level that he should redeem us and bring us home.
- That he should heal us, on a very personal level, from the stress symptoms that my kids and wife have been experiencing since this situation started as well as for my brother in law who is messed up and also for all the people of Israel
- That he should help the businesses I am working on to get started and actually work so I can help provide a living for the people who I am trying to help out.
- That the people of Israel should come home to the land of israel.
- That he should fix the supreme court so that they are not trying to remove the Jewishness of Israel, and that the courts shouldn't tie Israels hands in their battle
- That the wicked people who oppress us, specifically the Hizballah, Hamas and anyone else who is intent on destroying us should be smashed and battered and beaten to a grand pulp.
- That God should have mercy on us, even though we may not be among the most righteous or pious or the elders of tribe.
- That he should rebuild Jerusalem.
- That the kingdom of David should be refounded and we should have a strong leadership that is dedicated to the service of God.
Then I thanked God for helping us out through our trials and tribulations. He is always with us and we feel his presence.
Finally I asked for peace.
I walked away from the wall feeling much better about myself and about our current situation.
Now I'm going to go find some lunch.